Today was day of nation’s pride
A nation from which I must hide
Some say it’s cause to celebrate
A land that only brings me hate

Hell no, I will not praise thy name
Right now there’s only cause for shame
Not mine, of course, I’m out and proud
In spite of genecidal shroud

Through friends and persevernce fierce
We’re beating torment, anger, tears
I will not stand by nation’s side
Until this nation joins real pride!

Happy pride everyone!

I have been lying low because I did not want this to be an exlucively sad blog and, let’s be honest, things are grim as hell. Sure, I have several wonderful rolepaying groups that quite literally make life worth living but the whole situation with the importing medicine as well as the anti trans bias of all of Sweden’s media have been weighing on me. But let’s go with some silver lining.

I was just interviewed by a radio journalist that actually seemed interested in my perspective on the matter as opposed to… every other journalist in this gurd-forsaken hellscape of a country. It was in Sweden but will be available on P4 when it’s up, I will link it here once it’s up for anyone who speaks Swedish and is interested.

I will be speaking on a panel on West Pride in Gothenburg on the 14th of June about coping with the situation, trying to bring hope to those who need it. I understand most people will not be anywhere near me at the time but if you are, you know how to contact me.

So the problems with Swedish customs still aren’t resolved but I hear some people have been lucky finding pharmacies that honour EU prescriptions, and I have some other plans like trips to Denmark for some good old smuggling before I have to resort to plan C, going into exile. I am not kidding, leaving for Spain or Malta is absolutely not off the table if my other plans get intercepted by Sweden’s transphobic forces. I hope to not become a refugee but it might honestly happen. It looks like some options might come through and rescue me but I might as well prepare for plan C just in case. Sorry everyone, I have plenty of people I do not want to leave behind but if hostility against trans people in this country doesn’t stop getting worse very soon… well, I will simply have to flee.

But let’s break this up with the good news! I just got my latest bloodworks back and my testosterone level is down to 3,1! I am officially in the female horomone range! my E-levels are at 518 but those have been good for a while, that pesky T-poisoning has been the bane of my existence for a long time and I am finally at somewhat acceptable levels! I am not there yet, I want my T to be below 2. For reference, cis men should be between 10-30 give or take 2. Cis women should be between 0,7 and 3 and at 3,1 I am starting to feel a lot better. Some of the side effects are trippy, my breats are sore and swelling, my strength is dropping like crazy but my recovery speed is through the roof! Also, pickles suddenly taste amazing! I hate being a stereotype (I lied, I love it) but apparantly, it is super common to develop an obsession with pickles when taking estrogen.

I do have some good things to hold on to. I also recently heard one of the most beatiful songs ever witten, it is called Fear Not This Night, preformed by Asja Kadric, lyrics by Ree Soesbee, composed by the legendary Jeremy Soule. It is from the game Guild Wars 2, which I have never played, but the song hits my heart like an arrow. Both he melody and the lyrics just make me cry every time I hear it, and it resonates with my current situation with a sun-beam of hope. Listen to it, seriously.

Fear not this night, you will not go astray

Though shadows fall, still the stars find their way

And you can always be strong, lift your voice with the first light of dawn

Dawn’s just a heart beat away. Hope’s just a sunrise away.

The future, never very bright

When life be nothing but a fight

The rulers in my homeland’s hall

Prefer I not exist at all

Every year new hardships come

And every year more friends are gone

Opression’s growing crushing weight

Strengthening my homeland’s hate

Once hope was hanging by a thread

That thread is severed, hope is dead

Please don’t let them go this far

Please wake up, see who they are

I am sorry, I was aiming at a happy first post to my rebooted blog. I used to have annother one where I wrote in Swedish but this one will be all in English. Otherwise this will be mostly the same, except more trans content, seeing as I have come out as AMAB since I started blogging. You can learn more about me in the “Who am I?” section, link above.

Anyway, this was going to be a joyus occasion but this morning I was hit by the news that customs in my country of Sweden, have started seizing medication sent from aborad, even if it was sent by medical professionals with a legal prescription, and even if the medication itself isn’t a controlled substance. I, myself have been using an EU clinic known as GenderGP since the trans care in Sweden is pretty much non existent. They are a legitimate clinic that monitors their patients hormone levels and side effects while prescribing the medicine they need for their transition. And yes, for a lot of us, transitioning is very much a matter of life and death, specially if you, like me, waitied way too long before starting – waited so long that I literally couldn’t stand a second more before I took the first step, and in sweden, the first step is to wait for the better part of a decade while the system laughs at you. It is expensive to use private health care of course but since the famous free Swedish health care apparently does not apply to people like me, GenderGP was my only safe option.

GenderGP are doing what they can to resolve the situation, talking to Swedish customs and other relevant agencies in order to get medicine to their patients. Many who have been on hormone replacement therapy for years now risk losing access to their medication all together, something that is not only medically dangerous but takes a horrible psychological toll as well. GenderGP has reached out to many of their patients in Sweden to offer psychological help while they try to mend the situation while Swedish authorities are doing exactly diddly squat to help.

I want everyone to know this very well; If anyone was under the impression that Sweden was some sort of progressive live and let live paradise, drop that ridiculous joke of a myth right now. My gouvernment would rather se me dead than happy. Transphobia oozes from every facet of the Swedish government and hardly anyone here cares enough to even realize there is a problem as we beg on our bare knees for our lives.

I still have some weeks left on my latest delivery but if this isn’t solved very soon I will be forced to to turn to other, less safe sources. I was utterly heartbroken and terrified by these news and have spent most of the day crying. Great time to launch a new blog, right? I wish I could say it’s good to be back… I hope I will be able to say that soon. Not holding my breath though.