Dawn’s just a heartbeat away

I have been lying low because I did not want this to be an exlucively sad blog and, let’s be honest, things are grim as hell. Sure, I have several wonderful rolepaying groups that quite literally make life worth living but the whole situation with the importing medicine as well as the anti trans bias of all of Sweden’s media have been weighing on me. But let’s go with some silver lining.

I was just interviewed by a radio journalist that actually seemed interested in my perspective on the matter as opposed to… every other journalist in this gurd-forsaken hellscape of a country. It was in Sweden but will be available on P4 when it’s up, I will link it here once it’s up for anyone who speaks Swedish and is interested.

I will be speaking on a panel on West Pride in Gothenburg on the 14th of June about coping with the situation, trying to bring hope to those who need it. I understand most people will not be anywhere near me at the time but if you are, you know how to contact me.

So the problems with Swedish customs still aren’t resolved but I hear some people have been lucky finding pharmacies that honour EU prescriptions, and I have some other plans like trips to Denmark for some good old smuggling before I have to resort to plan C, going into exile. I am not kidding, leaving for Spain or Malta is absolutely not off the table if my other plans get intercepted by Sweden’s transphobic forces. I hope to not become a refugee but it might honestly happen. It looks like some options might come through and rescue me but I might as well prepare for plan C just in case. Sorry everyone, I have plenty of people I do not want to leave behind but if hostility against trans people in this country doesn’t stop getting worse very soon… well, I will simply have to flee.

But let’s break this up with the good news! I just got my latest bloodworks back and my testosterone level is down to 3,1! I am officially in the female horomone range! my E-levels are at 518 but those have been good for a while, that pesky T-poisoning has been the bane of my existence for a long time and I am finally at somewhat acceptable levels! I am not there yet, I want my T to be below 2. For reference, cis men should be between 10-30 give or take 2. Cis women should be between 0,7 and 3 and at 3,1 I am starting to feel a lot better. Some of the side effects are trippy, my breats are sore and swelling, my strength is dropping like crazy but my recovery speed is through the roof! Also, pickles suddenly taste amazing! I hate being a stereotype (I lied, I love it) but apparantly, it is super common to develop an obsession with pickles when taking estrogen.

I do have some good things to hold on to. I also recently heard one of the most beatiful songs ever witten, it is called Fear Not This Night, preformed by Asja Kadric, lyrics by Ree Soesbee, composed by the legendary Jeremy Soule. It is from the game Guild Wars 2, which I have never played, but the song hits my heart like an arrow. Both he melody and the lyrics just make me cry every time I hear it, and it resonates with my current situation with a sun-beam of hope. Listen to it, seriously.

Fear not this night, you will not go astray

Though shadows fall, still the stars find their way

And you can always be strong, lift your voice with the first light of dawn

Dawn’s just a heart beat away. Hope’s just a sunrise away.

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